this is a post of pictures

here are some more pictures that were taken regarding past postings!

the beach we go to with the barraca's and unearthly terrain:

here's the family burying the dog =]

the remains of a weird looking fish that had crazy teeth and hair....

and here is a card i recently made for the family that i stayed with in itamambuca:

for the last few days... id say about 4... i have been feeling pretty down. i could blame it on pms (which they call "tpm" here, which are also my initials. i thought this was pretty funny) but i decided to sit down with myself and really think about what is going on inside my body.

after some restless walking and shifting, writing endless pages in my journal and just a couple of lonely tears, i have realized that what i am wanting is not what i have. but then, i realized that this is always the case. i have something, a life somewhere, but i become restless and think of the wonderous world that is awaiting me, so, i leave and i go to it. but, after 3 months i want out. i want what i had, which was what i didnt want.

last night i just finished reading siddhartha. it happened to tell me everything that i had figured out earlier that day. he talked of the river and how it is always moving, constantly changing, yet it always remains the same. he also told me that there is a difference between searching and finding and that you can't do both at the same time. when you are searching there is an idealistic goal in your future, but this goal most of the time does not exist because you have altered it to please your fantasies. when you are finding you are open, free, and willing to receive. you are unaware of what will come next, but the findings are limitless. there are infinite possibilities that surround us all, we just have to choose which ones we see, if any at all.

this morning i awoke, late (much like every day) feeling tired and lazy and thought "what am i going to do today?" and nothing came to mind. i realized that this is what happens on most days. of course except for the wonderful adventures that i blog about... but those don't happen every day. on the day to day, i do not do much. this has begun to stir a restless resentment for the situation which i am in. every day i crave home more and more. my old life that i so eagerly ran away from. my routines, my meals, my yoga, my mom, my mommom, my me.

so, then comes the next thought. if i do bail and fly back home to the states... what will i have? i do not want to return to saratoga springs, nor do i want to return to new york to work as a waitress.... so, what do i want? i want to go back to school, which will hopefully happen this fall, but that's a few months from now. so, in the next 6 months, what am i to do? i am constantly feeling like i am wasting time waiting for the next big thing to come along. but this is new, this only began once i graduated college. it was a feeling of "now what...." i had spent the last... whole life basically, learning things from a controlled schooling environment. homework each night, reports due, critiques, finals, field trips, you name it. now it was over... who was i supposed to report to? who was supposed to give me a task and then show me how to do it better?

that's where i'm supposed to come in eh? but what if i don't know "i", what do i do then? so my solution is to run around looking for "i". am i in LA? no... am i in NYC? no... am i in sao paulo or salvador? no... so where am i? but im right here, i think some times.

ok, if i'm already with "i", what am i supposed to do with "i". i should know self-discipline and how to follow through on tasks and how to be motivated and independent... but what if im not? what if this is only when i have to be? then who's to say when that has to be? that could be all the time or only on weekends or from the time of 3pm to 6pm on tuesdays...

confusing, i know.

so, i will sit here in my new place of residence until i can figure out who i am and what im supposed to do with that. let me know if you've figured out that secret already.

stay happy, healthy and holy

i will try as well.

p.s. i have opened up a store at etsy.com under the name: tpalmam

the link is located at the bottom of the blog page in a white box. i am selling postcards to hopefully help myself make some money and distract my restless mind. take a look!