jacuípe

the whole family, including maya's veterinary classmates, took a trip to a beach called jacuípe (jah-quep-ey). we piled into 3 cars and drove for about a half hour until coming to a turn off road where a very lean shirtless baiano (bahian man), with dreads on top of his head and a bright floral bathing suit, directed us into our given parking spots and placed cardboard sheets over the windshields. we walked down a cobblestone sidewalk for a few minutes, with the river on our right and tall coconut palms on our left. we crossed a wooden plank bridge and entered the sands of the curvy beach. greeting us was a large, colorful and very broken, river boat. the sand was flat and rounded into the curves of the river. across the river was a row of palms that lead your eye left toward the ocean. they all leaned to the right and stood very tall, looking as if they would fall over at any moment. the mouth, where the river and ocean met, was giant. the water swirled and curled in all directions. you could see the water split in half, one side leading to the ocean and the other leading to the river.

ben, leda and i were the first to cross the mouth. at that time the water was not so strong and we made it across in a matter of minutes. we met the sand and laid in the shallow stream that had been created. next, the boys from maya's class, alici and dave made their way across to join us. we took turns with silly games, like running off the edge of the sand and belly flopping into the shallow water, or chasing someone, trying to land on their back as they wiggled away like a fish. i went for a walk sozinho and ended up laying in the sand pretending to have been washed ashore from a ship wreck. from the laying position you could see nothing but sand, water and palms... once you lifted your head the fantasy was wiped away by the barracas and people jet skiing. i found 3 pieces of sea glass and turned back to meet the rest of the group. ben met me half way with urgency. he said that dave and leda had almost drowned, they tried to cross the river back to the other side and the tide had become a lot stronger. leda was on the other side already but dave came back to help us across. instead of heading straight across the river i decided it would be a good idea to go back on a diagonal, so when the rip pulled us we would be back far enough so as not to get sucked in. we all took a deep breath and dove in. it was exhilarating and scary, but i knew i my heart we would be fine. the 4 of us (myself and the 3 boys) swam one stroke at a time, trying hard not to lose a stroke and be pulled closer to the mouth. we made it, in about double the time it took us to get there. out of breath and glad to be safe we fell into the sand and caught up with ourselves.

the sun was getting lower and we played as close to the mouth as possible. the sand was soft and fell away from you when you tried to stand on it. we took turns pretending to be swept away into sea before jumping out over the sand cliff and running back into the water with a flip. when the water became too string and we could feel the danger growing, we made our way back toward the river where the rest of the group was. gabriel and i built a sand arena while others played "fresco ball" aka, paddle ball. the sun was almost down and had created a beautiful streak of light in the water. everything was now nothing but a silhouette. we walked back to the car, had a bowl of ice cream and drove home... pooped.

today the house was empty, everyone was out at work or school and i was feeling restless. after trying to talk to the maids and watching a bit of the hurcules disney movie i decided to be proactive. i put on the new running shorts my mom mailed me and naiana's sneakers, created a playlist on my ipod and set out running into the 97 degree sun. thankfully there was a cool breeze, and the playlist was great. i found a dirt road next to a small river and ran along it until i got to the beach road. i ran for a bit until i saw an open slab of cement where a barraca has been but was now gone. i claimed it as my own and danced around, pretending to be aerobic. the dancing turned into yoga and the yoga turned into silent meditation in the wind of the ocean. then ke$ha came on my playlist and i danced a bit more. i ran further before turning back to little dirt road next to that river and up the hill past the church and playground by our house. a hot shower and a hot bowl of quinoa. the house is still empty but i am not longer restless.

newest update:

after my last entry i realized i needed to do something about the way i was feeling. i wrote out all the pros and cons of staying and leaving, what i would do if i stayed or left, and where either could lead me in my future. by the end of this list the answer was clear; it is time to head back to the states and restart my life there, once again.

at first i was resisting this. i had a similar feeling when i was leaving california, a feeling of defeat. but i quickly realized how different the situations are. here, i had no expectations, i came merely to see brasil and meet my family... and i did just that. in cali, it was open ended. i left saying that i wasn't coming back, implying that i was going to set up a new life there. i always knew i would come back from brasil, i just didn't know when. that defeated feeling left and i was overcome with gratitude. i have experienced so many wonderful things that i would never have seen or felt had i not made this journey. i have been on the other side of the world and have realized how close it is. i also realized that no matter where i go or for how long, i will always have me, my heart and my home.

no one can say what will come next, and to be honest... i don't really want to know. i have faith that whatever it is i am doing at this moment in time is exactly what i should be doing. i have taken one step closer to myself, and i finally know the family i always had that was a world away. i will always have them, but what i didn't realize was that i always did. something kept us apart until now, maybe one day i will understand why.

the flights are set and now i will soak in the final days. i depart from salvador on march 11th and fly into sao paulo. i will stay the night and next day until my flight at 9:45pm from sao paulo to new york. i arrive in new york at 6am on the 13th and get another flight to albany airport. it will be the longest journey of my life, but the feeling of arrival is the sweetest.

dave, leda and alici (my sister's parents and sister) have been away in massachusettes for the last 3 weeks. they get back to salvador this friday. it will be nice to have them around. dave is the explorer of the family, so i look forward to new things he will show me.

question/s for thought: what is it that makes a connection between people? where does it come from and why does it happen? why do some people pass you by while others you must stop? what does it feel like when you get this feeling, and how do you know the other is feeling the same pull?

via lactea

the lights went out.

i laid precariously on that wooden plank.

"this is it." i thought,

the faintest stars began to tremble

and my darkened mother faded away.

this is a post of pictures

here are some more pictures that were taken regarding past postings!

the beach we go to with the barraca's and unearthly terrain:

here's the family burying the dog =]

the remains of a weird looking fish that had crazy teeth and hair....

and here is a card i recently made for the family that i stayed with in itamambuca:

for the last few days... id say about 4... i have been feeling pretty down. i could blame it on pms (which they call "tpm" here, which are also my initials. i thought this was pretty funny) but i decided to sit down with myself and really think about what is going on inside my body.

after some restless walking and shifting, writing endless pages in my journal and just a couple of lonely tears, i have realized that what i am wanting is not what i have. but then, i realized that this is always the case. i have something, a life somewhere, but i become restless and think of the wonderous world that is awaiting me, so, i leave and i go to it. but, after 3 months i want out. i want what i had, which was what i didnt want.

last night i just finished reading siddhartha. it happened to tell me everything that i had figured out earlier that day. he talked of the river and how it is always moving, constantly changing, yet it always remains the same. he also told me that there is a difference between searching and finding and that you can't do both at the same time. when you are searching there is an idealistic goal in your future, but this goal most of the time does not exist because you have altered it to please your fantasies. when you are finding you are open, free, and willing to receive. you are unaware of what will come next, but the findings are limitless. there are infinite possibilities that surround us all, we just have to choose which ones we see, if any at all.

this morning i awoke, late (much like every day) feeling tired and lazy and thought "what am i going to do today?" and nothing came to mind. i realized that this is what happens on most days. of course except for the wonderful adventures that i blog about... but those don't happen every day. on the day to day, i do not do much. this has begun to stir a restless resentment for the situation which i am in. every day i crave home more and more. my old life that i so eagerly ran away from. my routines, my meals, my yoga, my mom, my mommom, my me.

so, then comes the next thought. if i do bail and fly back home to the states... what will i have? i do not want to return to saratoga springs, nor do i want to return to new york to work as a waitress.... so, what do i want? i want to go back to school, which will hopefully happen this fall, but that's a few months from now. so, in the next 6 months, what am i to do? i am constantly feeling like i am wasting time waiting for the next big thing to come along. but this is new, this only began once i graduated college. it was a feeling of "now what...." i had spent the last... whole life basically, learning things from a controlled schooling environment. homework each night, reports due, critiques, finals, field trips, you name it. now it was over... who was i supposed to report to? who was supposed to give me a task and then show me how to do it better?

that's where i'm supposed to come in eh? but what if i don't know "i", what do i do then? so my solution is to run around looking for "i". am i in LA? no... am i in NYC? no... am i in sao paulo or salvador? no... so where am i? but im right here, i think some times.

ok, if i'm already with "i", what am i supposed to do with "i". i should know self-discipline and how to follow through on tasks and how to be motivated and independent... but what if im not? what if this is only when i have to be? then who's to say when that has to be? that could be all the time or only on weekends or from the time of 3pm to 6pm on tuesdays...

confusing, i know.

so, i will sit here in my new place of residence until i can figure out who i am and what im supposed to do with that. let me know if you've figured out that secret already.

stay happy, healthy and holy

i will try as well.

p.s. i have opened up a store at etsy.com under the name: tpalmam

the link is located at the bottom of the blog page in a white box. i am selling postcards to hopefully help myself make some money and distract my restless mind. take a look!