you can't show me from behind the wall

these are lyrics from my favorite brasilian song called "you don't know me" by caetano veloso. i first heard this song while driving to ubatuba with ju and helio just before new years. in this song, he sings in english... maybe that is why it's my favorite.

this past weekend maya and ben took me to their friends farm. we drove inland for about 2 hours and arrived to a beautiful, and very open, plot of green land. the areas around it reminded me of jurassic park. the lush green covering tall hills, decorated with palm trees and other large trees bearing fruits and covered in vines. the farm was used for a couple of things; one, they raised cattle... which i later found out they kill and eat them, typical. two, they hold special retreats. guests come for the weekend to gather in this beautiful wooden studio while they sit around on mats singing kumbya and drinking a special tea made of natural mushrooms... this made me think a bit more... finally, i realized they are really holding giant "let's trip out" parties, but they slap a religious sticker on it so that it's no longer illegal. don't worry mommom, these festivities did not go on during my weekend there.

the main house was used for the owners. it had a giant kitchen and a giant covered deck filled with a sitting area and 4 large wooden dining tables. each sat 12 people. in front of the seating area was the lawn and a small swimming pool. out back there was a cobble stone walk way that led you down to the many rows of tiny pastel colored cabins. i chose the blue cabin furthest away. across from my cabin was a tiny tiny church. i sat in there one day and talked to myself about my life and it's adventures, deciding if i was on the right path. i decided yes.

we stayed there for one night with 6 of maya's classmates. she is attending university for veterinary sciences. they all love animals, adoring the dogs and kitten, pointing in awe at the fileds of beautiful cattle and cute pig that laid under the tree..... for dinner that night everyone made scrambled eggs to go with their ham and cheese rolls. ironic, i know. i made sauteed eggplant and zucchini with garlic and onions. we spent the night dancing samba and singing karaoke. we even went for a swim and built a tornado pool. we all ran around in the same direction, eventually causing the water to swirl about. once it was going fast enough we would pick up our legs and float on our backs as the water rushed us in circles around the pool. it was beautiful to watch the stars looking dizzy above us. we did this 3 times that weekend.

sunday, the main event day. we all woke up early and had breakfast. everyone ate the same thing they had for dinner. i had a bowl of granola with coconut milk and a sliced plum on top. after breakfast we got dressed in our finest for our horse riding adventure. i was so excited, for this was my first time on a horse... except for that time at the zoo when i sat on it and someone pulled it around a ring. unfortunately, i did not bring jeans with me, so i had to borrow a pair from the guy to watches the horses. they looked like the worst style of bulky mom jeans... so flattering. i was paired with the only grey horse. he was covered in sweat and was shorter than the others, except for the mule in the corner. the 4 of us began our adventure walking slowly. we headed for the large hill in front of the farm. my horse was slow and really did not want to go up that hill, but eventually he did. we walked along its ridge, seeing the valley below us and feeling the earth's cool breeze. next was the jungle. it probably was more of a forest but i will call it a jungle because of the giant vines and brush that we had to duck and bend through.... oh and not to mention to 2 giant spiders and snake swirling it's way up the tree on my left. we turned the horses around and darted out at fast as possible, leaves smacking our faces. next stop, the bull pen. well, almost. we made our way up another hill, only not as steep as the first one. here all of the male cattle (bulls, as they are called) stood at alert while we mosied on by. there were about 20 or so of all sizes and colors. we came to a giant tree with the huge fruits hanging from every limb. they were about the size of 2 rugby balls, bright chartreuse and covered in spikes. the name escapes me now, but the smell i remember. it was similar to that of garlic and rotting. picking the biggest and most ripe we took turns holding the 12 pound fruit back to the farm. we unsaddled our horses and gave them all baths, i went first. i really enjoyed the whole process of riding a horse, even down to it's bath at the end. feeling it breathing beneath you. it's such a massive animal, with you on top. you must trust it and let it know that it can trust you... or you'll be in major trouble. sometimes i felt bad for putting my weight on it's back while we walked around aimlessly for hours, and for pulling at the metal bit in it's mouth telling it where to go. but, in the end, while i washed his fur with cool water and felt his heart beat slow, i decided that it was ok. most of the people that i have met who have horses truly love them. and usually when you truly love something, you take care of it really really well.

we ate a lunch of spiral pastas and packed our things. it was short but sweet and i had the best of times with that old horse.

então

i have been in bahia for 11 days. the weather is hot and humid and my family is large. i am slowly beginning to settle in to yet another new lifestyle. so many things are so unfamiliar and seem so strange from an american point of view. the strangest thing is that people's children do not move out once they turn 18, or 19 or 20 or 30... they stay in the house with their parents, and more often their partners or spouses and even their children. this keeps expanding until there are, in my case, 3 and a half families living under one roof. this has been interesting attempting to integrate myself in a community of people. it is almost like living at college again... sharing a bedroom, a bathroom, having someone cook food for you like the cafeteria would. that is the other oddity for me, the maids. i am so unaccustomed to having a maid cook every single meal for me and wash all of the dishes that ive almost forgotten how to do this myself. i have also noticed that i let things become messy when i would otherwise clean it myself because i know that someone is going to do it for me 3 minutes from now.

aside from all of these differences i have realized that people are the same anywhere you go. they may have a different way of saying the same thing or a different way of filling their days but at the end of that day we all have families and thoughts and the need to express them. i thought by traveling across the world, to the roots of my nationality, i would find myself. i was expecting to find some other person inside my body, but really its just me. and surprisingly i feel relief. i have known me for 23 years, imagine finding yourself and having to get to know a whole new person? that would take a century! longer even... all in all, i am glad to find me still here.

every day has been different. the first couple of days i became familiar with the house. the next few days i ventured out to the city of salvador and became acquainted with leda and david's dance university. i even took a contact improv class! that was incredible, creating a language between a group of 15 people. conversing with some more than others. feeling their body language, becoming fluid as to roll smoothly with them. feeling the gravity pull on every limb while the weight of another pushed you even further into it. it became a meditation. i would move around in the darkness of my eyelids and awaken on the other side of the room unaware of who i had been rolling with and for how long. i held entire conversations with people i would otherwise not be able to speak to. it was the ultimate release. it was exciting and exhausting all at once. the next couple of days were spent doing yoga on the roof and sweating at the beach. the ocean has been filled with seaweed due to the recent rainstorms that are occurring all over the globe. however, bahia seems to stay untouched to these natural events. the beaches are much different than in the south. here, they are more flat and open, but they hold some qualities that i could never see down there. there are giant rocks that span the sands covered in bright green algae that strongly resemble a horse's hair. if you walk slowly and surely the algae give way to your body and you can walk along its unearthly terrain.

an excerpt from my journal on this day: "within the rock, small ponds had formed from the many years of water carving through it. natural aquariums now live within these rock holes. blue fish, yellow fish, black and white fish. tiny universes within a 5 inch space that last as long as the tide is out. larger pools filled with salt and heat lift my body as the hot sun laid to rest. the sky filled with purple, orange, blue and yellow hung clouds weighted by the deepest colors. above me, the moon. she watched while my smile shined back at her. thank you lady, you gave birth to a beautiful world."

one day i went into salvador with david after attending a short graduation ceremony at his university. we hopped on a bus and 15 minutes later we found ourselves on a crowded street filled with colors and stores, and fruit vendors and dogs. we walked for hours finding small alleys and roads that lead to the beach. the streets were blocked from any traffic and filled with graffiti. the city of salvador is so beautiful. you can feel it's history dripping from the old buildings and cobblestone walk-roads. at one point i looked at dave and said "i feel like im exploring brasil.", he laughed at me and said "you are!" funny how after 2 months in são paulo i feel i am finally seeing brasil. we later went to the modern art museum where we spent most of the time talking on the dock and dancing on the cobble stones. we watched a capoeira master swim into the middle of the ocean's bay as the moon woke up in a rainbow of pastel colors.

another day, david took me to a place in downtown salvador called Pelourinho. we explored this place with alici and gabriel. it is the most popular tourist location in salvador. there is a giant elevator that connects the lower city with the upper city, but we ended up spending the whole day in the upper city. as we went deeper and deeper, i was filled with this feeling of.... wow. the buildings are so old, stuck all together and painted every pastel color with white trim. there was a constant drum beat in the background. everything seemed right while i was there. the churches were old and dirty, swirling with the tiniest details. the people walked in the cool breeze holding smiles on the faces while passing from store to store. little galleries filled with bahian art, leather sandals, cangas and key chains. i even saw an NYU tour group! before i heard them speaking english my radar had zoned in on their stylish hipster fashions and borderline flamboyant personalities. i couldn't help but stare, wanting to run into the middle of their large group just to feel home for a split second. we walked up and down the hills taking picture after picture. that day was perfect. i felt alive, my eyes felt satisfied, and by the end i was tired.

after this day it has been a bit rainy. nothing more than a light sprinkle but enough to keep you from the beach. last night we went to a japanese restaurant for david's birthday. we ate so much and told stories of our first wine experiences, and laughed. i finally made friends with naiana's daughter (my neice) guilia, who has been resisting anything to do with me for the past 10 days. i was almost giving up hope. but i guess thats when it's supposed to change, right as you're about to give up.

today leda, david and alici left for the US for 3 weeks. i almost climbed in their suitcase but i stopped myself. i thought; i could go home right now if i wanted to.... but no, im not done here.

bahia

on sunday, 2 days ago, i flew into salvador airport at 7pm. the sky was dark, so i could not see much of the landscape but i could feel its cool tropical-ness and see the outline of the many palms that lined the shore. i stumbled out of the airplane and grabbed my bags from the slow moving baggage claim, shoving them onto a dirty silver cart. i walked out the sliding glass doors and looked around a crowd of people; some with signs, others shouting and jumping into the arms of their arrival. through all of these people i saw a familiar face catch my eye and then smile. i made my way with my giant cart and into the arms of my awaiting sister, naiana. she was there with her husband george.

after the fast drive through the bahian streets, which felt much like california, we arrived at a dark wood gate door sitting on top of a red dirt road. behind the door was a beautiful house and a beautiful new family. the first one to meet was my next new sister, maya, complete with pregnant belly and a warm hug. then...gabriel, gulia, leda, david, ben, louda, and alici. a petite house big enough to hold 10 people, now 11 and in 4 months, 12. the house is warm and colorful and inviting... especially to the mosquitoes. i am covered in tiny red spots all over my feet and surprisingly my stomach. this is no new thing to people living on the coasts of brasil. they have this cool thing to kill the mosquitoes that invade your personal space. it looks exactly like a tennis racket and you swing it exactly like a tennis racket, only when it comes in contact with something that has heat it zaps it with a white spark and medium level crack. it's quite exciting, you wave it around in the air and ZIP, CRACK, CRACK CRACK, ZAP. you feel like you have accomplished something... i guess you have accomplished a lower odd of getting eaten alive. but still, even with this cool thing, they follow you around and when you're not looking they suck the blood right out of you.

with this new family, i feel exactly like i did with the family i have in são paulo... like i have never not known them. i feel like i am exactly where i am supposed to be, and have always been. it is totally different living in such a full house, but it has been surprisingly easy to find time for myself. yes, i have only been here for 2 days, but i have been noticing people's work schedule and play dates and shopping times, and everyone is always doing something. you can either join them, or do something with yourself.

yesterday we went to the praia. it was so beautiful but completely different than the beaches in ubatuba. it was more like an ordinary beach with a long stretch of endless sand and sea in all directions, except behind you. behind you there are these little huts with chairs and tables and umbrellas.. of course the bright yellow ones with beer labels all over them. they are called barraca's. however, there is a new law that was passed saying that they need to take down all of the barraca's on the beach because they are causing too much pollution. which, i am very thankful for because, while i was walking, all i could see were wrappers and cups and straws. it was sad and causing a bit of anxiety. aside from this, the beach is adorned with tall palms and short palms, coconut palms and royal palms. the ocean was filled with every color and shaped seaweed. deep purple, pastel pink and 3 colors of green. some were in balls, others in flower shapes, and others in wide curvy strips. it felt like everything and nothing as the pieces rushed by you in the waves, wrapping around your arms and legs and getting caught in your hair. alici and ben told me about their surfing teacher, who is willing to exchange free surf lessons for english classes, woo! unfortunately, he had canceled class that day due to all the alga (seaweed.)

tomorrow, i am going with leda and david to town. we are going to the university, where they both teach dance, for a graduation and then to walk around the textile industry. david needs to look for presents for his family. they leave in 8 days to go to massachusetts for 3 weeks. david is leda's husband who is from massachusetts/philly. leda is naiana and maya's mom (with my dad), and also alici's mom (with david).

ok, i guess i should explain everyone... naiana is married to george and they have two kids, gabriel and gulia who are 5 and 2 years old. maya is married to ben (who is from new zealand) and is pregnant with a boy due in 4 months. leda and david have alici who is 15 years old and my roommate. we also share a room with laura (pronounced louda), who is naiana's best friend and also semi-nanny.

there is a lot to see and a lot to learn.

stay tuned.

itamambuca and feliz ano novo

oi todos, i hope the closing of 2010 was wonderful and satisfying.

while most of you were in freezing conditions, surrounded by snow and ice, i spent the better half of the last two weeks in my favorite place in são paulo; itamambuca. i had been there briefly the last time i was in ubatuba with sandra, but this time i was really able to explore and feel the energy that emanates from that wonderful place.

helio and i left interlogos on the morning of december 26th, 2010 at 6am to catch a bus and then another bus to then take the subway to meet his friend ju where she picked us up on the outskirts of the city and we began our trip to ubatuba. i slept for most of the way while the two of them talked and listened to brasilian samba music. we got to itamambuca with hardly any traffic, which was a miracle, dropped our things off at the house where ju was renting and ran to the beach. we laid in the hot hot sun for a couple of hours, cooling off in the not so cool ocean water and walking the length of the beach and back. when it started to rain we packed up our things and went back to the house to meet the people who live there.

the beautiful house made entirely of old salvaged materials. the outside a dark brown with pastel colors lining the frames of the many doors and windows. the roof is constructed of orange scales that were crafted a hundred years ago by brasilian slaves. they would take the clay and mold it over their thighs. because of the moisture and frequent rain, there are plants and moss growing on the roof covering it's surface entirely. this unique beach pad is inhabited, year round, by a family of 3 and their ever changing travelers that rent out the back house where we were staying. pri (24 and speaks no english), le (her husband, 36, and speaks no english) and ruda (pronounced "who-duh", 5 and also speaks no english) have lived in this house for the past 8 years. pri's sister, dani, and her namorado ale had just moved in the same day we arrived. in april pri, le and ruda will move to france for one year while dani and ale stay in the house to look after it and continue to rent it to travelers.





for most of the time ale was constructing this incredible pyramid made of bamboo and plastic tubing. three poles in the shape of a tepee make up the center, in the middle, the star of david lays horizontally and above it a smaller triangle. once it was constructed we all took turns playing and climbing and stretching on this playground for adults. the master of the playground was ale himself, snaking through the holes, hanging upside down, twisting and maneuvering his body like some kind of avatar. it was amazing to watch.



the days went by, everyone got a bit closer, feeling more and more comfortable with each other's energies. every day we would wake up around 8 am when ruda started his day, le would make us this incredible indian style bread with olive oil or, as i preferred, peanut butter and banana. after breakfast we would make the short walk to the beach and soak in the sun or go on adventures.

one day we explored the waterfall of itamambuca, this one being very different than my previous encounters with falling water. we walked to the end of the beach and took a left across the river and climbed up a giant deep red rock. past the rock was a long grey stone wall, it reminded me of the great wall of china, which then reminded me of talia. we walked along this wall as if we were standing on a tight-rope, one foot in front of the other, slowly, not to knock off the few passing people on their way out. after the wall we began to climb the slight incline of rocks and pebbles, stepping in cold water puddles and feeling the slime of the algae between our toes. some parts were tougher than others, our entire bodies needed to get to the next step. we came to the waterfall... if they hadn't pointed it out to me, i would have missed it completely. it was nothing more than a tiny stream of water falling into a basin sized pool. we took turns sitting beneath it, feeling it's strength massage our shoulders. the water was cold and refreshing, peeling away the salt crystals that clung to our skin from our previous date with the ocean. we climbed a bit further then headed back. the way down was a lot more difficult.

another day we went surfing! my first time on a surf board, and it was incredible. pri, le, ale, helio, ruda, and i all ran into the warm calm waters with short boards in hand. we paddled out into the ocean, farther than i have ever been before. le told me that the first step was to learn how to sit on the board. i pulled myself to the middle and wiggled trying to find my balance, i never did. time after time after time, i sat upright and tipped over. sometimes i would fall to the side, flipping upside down with my feet in the air, gripping to the side of the board. other times the board would fly out from under me throwing me backwards or forwards into the water. i tried again and again as le and ale laughed while they caught waves into shore. finally le came to me and said that he learned how to stand on the board before he could ever sit on it, then motioned for me to catch the next coming wave. i layed on my belly, pushing the water back with my hands, intention set on this wave... it rolled right under me. "de novo!" he yelled. again, i paddled fiercely, but missed it. de novo, de novo, de novo! until finally i got one. speeding over the white water, watching the land get closer and closer by the second. my heart was flying and my whole face was smiling. i stayed on the board until i got to the sand, cheering when i stood up, and everyone yelling along with me. i went right back out into the water. this time le told me to try to stand up on the next one. we waited and waited, no waves were coming. we waded in the water for 20 minutes, more or less, until i got another. i rode it into the shore, not attempting to stand at this point. we waited more and more, and boy was i exhausted. we called it a day and headed back to the house, with our salt clogged heads, for showers and dinner.


a few days into our vacation helio and i went to toninhas, another beach town about 30 minutes south of itamambuca. here we stayed with helio's friend thadeo and his namorada, renata. it was fun to hang out with them in their brand new, undecorated, condo on the top floor which overlooked the ocean. renata and i bonded in a second. she could not speak any english so i was forced to speak portuguese. this was easier than i thought because speaking with pri, le and ruda had already given me a heads up. we would lay on the roof deck tanning while i drew on thadeo's surfboard, go grocery shopping or get a brasilian wax (her, not i), all the while with english to portugese dictionary in hand.





the plan was to stay in toninhas for the new years but after having such an amazing time in itamambuca, i decided to spend mine there. on the morning of december 31st i caught a bus all by my grownup self and met sandra in downtown ubatuba. from there she drove all of us, her daughters and i, to itamambuca. her mother has a house there so we stopped for lunch and a quick swim in the ocean before she dropped me off at pri's. i ran to the beach to surprise ju and meet her two friends, evelyn and michelley. we stayed at the beach all day walking up and down the shore looking for "gorgeous" the tall muscular brasilian gato that ju had fallen in love with. later, we headed home to make new years eve dinner. i prepared integral rice with quinoa and japanese pumpking and zuchini. ale was in the other kitchen preparing the feast of a life time. for the past 5 years he has worked as a sushi chef, so for dinner he made about 12 different rolls (one of them with cucumber for me) and a plate of tempura. for dessert, dani made a parfait with chocolate and black cherries. we all sat around eating and laughing and blowing up balloons.


at 11:55pm we, once again, made that short walk to the beach, but this time it was something special. the red dirt road was filled with people walking toward the beach, everyone holding candles and singing the traditional "feliz ano novo" song. when we got to the sands, there was hardly anywhere to stand. the beach was pack with a thousand people wearing white and singing while popping open champagne bottles and kissing each other on the face. at midnight exactly the show began. fireworks in every direction, stretching along the length of the beach. fireworks in front of you, fireworks above you and fireworks behind you. everyone jumping and laughing and screaming "FELIZ ANO NOVO!!!" little kids with their parents running into the ocean to jump the traditional 7 waves while they made their wishes for the new year. then, in one second, the beach was empty. everyone had left to start their night of partying. we walked along the beach trying to find the perfect one. dani, ale and i, looking for an electronic party and ju, michelley and evelyn looking for "gorgeous". we stopped at a circle crowed around a single guitar player and his friend on the tambourine. you could hardly hear them playing but everyone knew the song, so we stayed to scream along. luckily, standing right next to ju was "gorgeous", she was set for the night. dani, ale and i continued to walk, but nothing was going on. we decided to go back home and listen to our own electronic music, and we did just that. the night could not have been more perfect, excitingly sussa (tranquil). around 3:30am helio surprised us, but at that time i was ready for bed. i fell asleep on a yoga mat outside while everyone took turns on the pyramid. at around 5am i made my way to the couch in the living room.



the next day everyone was tired and most of them hung over. thankfully, it rained the entire day. we were forced to stay inside and sleep and eat and watch movies, how horrible..ly perfect. i decided to stay in itamambuca for the rest of the vacation, instead of going back to toninhas. we all got along so well at the house that i felt there was no need to leave. two days before i left sandra invited me to come to her house before driving us home to são paulo. that morning, while i waited for her arrival, pri, evelyn and the new traveler from guatamala, and i sat on the back deck playing with lua's new puppies. 20 days before, she had given birth to 9 puppies of every color. needless to say i fell in love with one of them. the only chocolate, and the runt of the bunch. i watched him as the other played and jumped and sang for their mom, but he was different... he was sussa. i stood there watching them play until i noticed him sniffing his way over to me. he smelled my foot, gave me a single kiss and sat on my toe. and that's when it happened. he chose me and i chose him. i picked him up and brought him over to the deck where he napped in my lap for a few minutes. now, im not sure if you are aware, but at the age of 20 days, the puppies have no vision. they come equipped with a set of deep blue opaque eyes and if you move your hand in front of their face, they are completely unaware. at one point i got up to help out another puppy and as soon as i left he snooped around trying to follow my scent. when i stepped back on the porch, he sat down. i decided to give him a name.... quase (pronounced qua-zee), which means "almost" in portuguese. mainly because i love the sound, but also because he is the smallest... and because i almost brought him home with me. pri had noticed our love for each other and offered to mail him to me in bahia as soon as his is old enough. that is something i will have to sit on for a while.


sandra came to get me and we headed back to ubatuba. for the next couple of days i hung out with her family, making food, watching nickelodeon and walking around the town. one evening we went to praia vermelha and had a picnic. i walked to the end of the beach and took tons of pictures of the beautiful rocks that lined the shore.



on thursday morning at 3:30am we left her house and drove back to são paulo. we arrived at her mother's (other) house around 7am and slept until 1pm. after lunch and a shower sandra and i got a ride to the subway where we traveled and transferred and traveled some more until we parted ways. i continued on to interlogos where my tia angela picked me up with vovo around 7pm. when we got home she had waiting for me every single dish of hers that i love. palmito crepes, japanese pumpking, cooked bananas, mango and portuguese rolls. i had the feast of a life time and then passed out.

today, my last day in são paulo, tia and tio took me out to lunch at a sushi restaurant then brought me to the mall where tia bought me a pair of shorts and tio bought me a pair of amazing turquoise shoes. i simply walked past the store and said "wow those are cool!" and he bought them. what a treat. and now i write to you, instead of packing my enormous bag, feeling saudade for my family here and for my life in the united states, but mostly excited for the new chapter that begins tomorrow afternoon.