saudades...

it has been 2 and a half months now, since being in brasil. the hardest thing i have yet to find is the answer to the question: "how was brasil?" everyone has asked me this and i reluctantly i give answers like "great", "incredible", "life changing", but none of those words really give justice to the experience. how can i possibly utter the feeling that i had, the memories that i will keep, the experiences that made me grow, in a single word... or even a simple sentence. i would need another 4 months to capture each moment. maybe even longer as my description of the moment would be longer than the moment itself.

the next question they ask me is "how long were you there?" i tell them 4 months and their head tilts slightly back as their eyebrows raise and they say "wow! 4 months? where did you stay?" i tell them i stayed in both sao paulo and salvador for 2 months each. then i get a little awkward, i begin to shift and direct my eyes elsewhere as if to tell them that i would like to change the subject. i sum it up by saying "yea, it was really great. i am so happy i went, it changed my life." and then i move on to something else. this happens for a few reasons. one, because the interaction mostly happens with acquaintances who do not know much about me to begin with so to divulge such intimate and extraordinary detail would be odd. second, it usually arises in situations of high-volume, such as peacefood or on the street. and third, the exchange is much like that of a person you slightly know on the street who asks you how you are as they keep walking, generally not expecting an answer in return. a.k.a. superficial.

yes, i have sat with a select few and really unloaded my heart onto the table about the events, the scenery, the people, the warmth, the language, the history, the me, but they were chosen in a special way. there was a glimmer in their eye of genuine interest. i knew that at no moment would they start to shift in their seat or begin to look over my shoulder at the people walking by. these very few people.

i miss brasil. with all of my heart. i miss the language and the way it moved in people's mouths. i miss the body language, the closeness. there were no personal space issues. i miss meeting new people interested in me only because i am from the US. i miss the graffiti on every cement wall the lined the streets. i miss the lush trees and the dense humidity. i miss the insects, the birds, the red dirt. i miss the smell of the clouds. i miss the endless sky. i miss being quiet. i miss being uncomfortable in almost every situation. i miss my family, even the ones unrelated to me. i miss the open time, the laziness, the ease. i miss the simplicity of living out of a bag. i miss dancing and going to parties and staying up until the next day. i miss feeling like everywhere i went i was part of it.

there are a lot of things that i wish i had done, maybe differently or more fully. i wish i had gotten to know every person a little more. i wish i had woken up early every day. i wish i had stayed with my yoga practice and not given up my lifestyle for the ease of others. i wish i had been more adventurous. i wish i had been more comfortable being alone in the cities. i wish i had really forced myself to learn the language more. i wish i had a little bit more freedom.

but wishing does not change what happened, and what i experienced was more perfect and complete than i could have ever imagined. every moment that existed there will stay with me. brasil is a part of me, forever, and i now, more than ever, i am proud to say "i am brasilian".

pra frente, pra frente, cintura, cabeça, buhdaduhdaduh

CARNAVAL!!!!!

friday was my first day of carnaval. it was so exciting from the moment i woke up. rosie came to do everyone's mani/pedi. i went crazy, of course, and put on every single color she had with her. then i refashioned my camarote shirt. for some reason, the most A-list camarote in salvador had the worst looking shirts. they were huge, stiff, felt like a hospital gown, and were covered in (what they call "propaganda") advertisements. the labels had to remain in tact, so i had to be imaginative and work around them. i ended up crocheting the sides to make it smaller all around and braiding the sleeves into a tank top. i was pleased. next came the hair and make up. all morning i had been walking around with my head covered in tiny blue curlers, they made for a great mop of extra curly hair that i transformed into a mohawk, add a dash of lime green eye shadow and some mascara and i was ready to go... oh wait! the glitter! ok now, now im ready.

we drove into salvador in 3 cars to fit everyone. maya's car broke down right before we got there. we were stuck in traffic on a one way street being used as a two way, and sitting at a 78 degree slant. her people packed car overheated and we were forced to abandon it on the side of the road. eventually, and surprisingly quite easily, we got there. the streets teaming with people, vendors, smoke, and trucks. we formed a long line, holding onto the person in front and in back. we walked a few blocks until, there it was. the ocean side avenue filled with more people than i have ever seen in one place. the people were going, the bands were going, and i was ready to get going.

we stood in a very short line to get into the camarote. i pulled out my name tag and had it scanned and was granted the privilege to enter into the VIP obis. we all climbed a flight of wooden stairs and entered into a white room filled with magenta spirally wooden trees and stands for everything; masks, jewelry, shirt accessories, popcorn, ice cream, cachaça, some kind of shrimp food... and everything was free! you could just walk up and take what ever you wanted. there were trunks filled with scarves, water bottles, pins, headbands, perfume, chocolate, bags... everything. now, this was just the entrance room to the camarote. down a long wooden hall lead to another, wider black stone hallway. this was where it started. tables filled with people working on their computers, corners filled with costumes to take pictures in, feather girls in tall stilettos walking by, and beautiful people, everywhere.

through this hallway you entered the first floor. this was filled with round, red velvet couches and bars of food and drinks. toward the front people stood looking down through the open wall at the carnaval below. on either side were smaller booths for the VIP of the VIP. you needed a special red bracelet to get in there, which i didn't have (but it was not that cool anyway). at the back of the room was a large stair case to bring you to the second/main floor. on this floor was the salon where you could get your hair, makeup and mani/pedis for free, there was a night club and the main dining area. past the dining area were another set of VVIP boxes and a viewing area of the pipoca below. they call the outside/street part of carnaval "pipoca", which means "popcorn", because everyone jumps around following the trios like a bunch of popping corn.

this venue was huge. the ceilings the height of 2 floors and so vast you could hardly see from one side to the other, not to mention the thousand people creating a visual obstacle course. it was loud, each floor playing their own kind of music. the carnaval outside was playing all kinds of music and the club inside was playing all kinds of music. i am like a moth to electric music, so i was stuck inside the club for hours, only breaking to grab some chocolate or a cup of ice and give my legs a break.

at one point i went outside to the pipoca with dave and leda to feel what it is like for most people. we jumped around with the rest of the 2 million people dancing to the band playing from the balcony of our camarote. very quickly the band was over and a trio (a giant float/bus for the music artists to sing and dance on) started coming down the street. they move very slowly but in front and behind the trios there are ropes to keep out the street people and keep in the people following the trio. once this rope comes near you, you run. all of sudden people are pushing and shoving and running. i thought a fight was going on the way people were moving, but then i realized it was the giant machine heading toward us. we easily got out of the way, being carried by the crowd and watched from a perpendicular street as the trio crept by.

our night ended around 5am eating the left over ice cream bars and dancing to a drum circle that had been formed by a large group of clowns. at 5am the streets were still going. the party had not slowed down at all. we pressed through the crowds of people and urine smelling streets, back to the car. arriving home, safely and rather quickly to a bag of fresh portuguese rolls that were still warm and lots of water.

we did this all over again the next night, only it was way more subdued. tired, hungover and more of the same, we all found each other sitting on a round, red velvet couch watching the carnaval going on around us. we happily left around midnight feeling enough satisfaction from the night before, and with more free things.

yesterday was time for the kids to have their carnaval. we traveled down town to pelourinho, my favorite part of salvador, and took the elevator up from the lower city. the upper city was full of kids running around in costumes and giant clowns on stilts, bands of people playing drums and dancing, and a lot of string spray... you know that creamy, soapy stuff that comes in a bottle, you spray it and it shoots out like spiderman's web. everywhere you looked, white strings filled the sky and covered peoples hair. i was lucky enough to be handed a full bottle and began a war with my nephew and a random boy dressed as the scream guy. it was a blast until the white melted into soap and every part of my body stuck to itself. the night was fun and innocent, and ended early.

tomorrow is the last night of carnaval and the city of salvador re-opens after a week of indulgence and a handful of the seven deadly sins. it is amazing how a city as large as salvador can survive a week without anything being open. all the stores and restaurants have been closed. only a very few mom and pop type shops remain in business for emergency food runs... oh and of course the chinese restaurant down the street.

to see it with my own eyes...

i currently have 9 days left in salvador and 11 days total in the country of brasil. now that the time is drawing to a close, i am realizing that if i wish to see, do and feel things while i am still here... i am the only person that can make that happen. that goes for anything in life. you are the only one who can make you who you are...

leda's dance student, aldren lincoln (who was named after buz aldren and abe lincoln) picked me up on his motorcycle from the university. this was my first time on a motorcycle... and man, was it fun. my fear passed immediately and joyful laughter took its place. we curved along the bending road that followed the ocean's bay and talked about the massive camarotis (cah-mah-doe-chi) that are being built for the upcoming carnival. we arrived in porto de barra (bah-ha), parked the bike and walked down to the umbrella filled beach...

the day was peaceful, sussa... we talked in portuguese (because he could not speak much english) about many things, laughing at each other's accents and grammar. the water was so crystal blue, you could see straight to the bottom no matter how deep and a perfect cooling warm. we swam for ages in the bay's calm, undulating water. about 3 feet in the sand beneath you plummeted, and suddenly you could no longer touch. over and over we would count to three and dive down, kicking our feet to the far depths to grab a hand full of sand, then push ourselves off the bottom and surface to laughter and the sparkling water.

we laid more, talking and laughing. we walked a bit, taking pictures of one another. i felt like a child. i was happy. i had not a thing in the world to weigh me down. there were no pressures, no obligations, just me, the sun and a new friend. we got back on the bike and arrived at the farol, the fort which was once used as a watch base for in coming war attacks. the giant black and white building sat upon a great hill. around it's back the hill dropped off to meet the ocean below. the sun sat perfectly in the center of the sky and the water created the most beautiful swells. they looked like rings caused by massive vibrations. the surfers floated peacefully in the water and we sat on the hill watching the sun get lower and lower. just before the sun began it's setting, we climbed the huge mound of jetties that sat next to the farol. the massive ball took about 85 seconds to set completely once it hit the horizon. the waves below would smash against the rocks, spraying upward into the colorful rays. it was like a postcard, everywhere.

soon after it was dark and we climbed back on the bike and met up with dave and leda before heading home.

the night before we went to the dunas, aka dunes. they run for miles and miles in all directions just outside of lauro de freitas (where i am staying). after a 15 minute car ride we came upon these giant hills of the purest white sand. at first you think you are looking at snow, but when you realize you're standing in 95 degree weather in a tank top and shorts... you remember that bahia doesn't get snow.

we walked and walked through the nothing. there were hardly any colors at all. white, green and a few specks of dusty red. we arrived just in time for the sun set and the sky was full of pinks and purples and greys. we climbed the biggest mountain to see the view of the city and the ocean below us. dave had brought a long wooden board for sand sledding, which was way more fun than normal sledding! up and down and up and down. we were all constantly panting and smiling, we even brought one of the dogs down with us! it was quite the experience, and i'll never forget it.

yesterday was a day of rest. after so much excitement packed into 2 days (which was desperately needed), i enjoyed the idea of nothing. my body sore and my brain exhausted, i spent most of my day on the roof deck reading and spending time with myself. around 5pm i went for a walk down to the beach with alici, in perfect time for another beautiful sunset.

p.s. if you click on the pictures you can see them bigger!

jacuípe

the whole family, including maya's veterinary classmates, took a trip to a beach called jacuípe (jah-quep-ey). we piled into 3 cars and drove for about a half hour until coming to a turn off road where a very lean shirtless baiano (bahian man), with dreads on top of his head and a bright floral bathing suit, directed us into our given parking spots and placed cardboard sheets over the windshields. we walked down a cobblestone sidewalk for a few minutes, with the river on our right and tall coconut palms on our left. we crossed a wooden plank bridge and entered the sands of the curvy beach. greeting us was a large, colorful and very broken, river boat. the sand was flat and rounded into the curves of the river. across the river was a row of palms that lead your eye left toward the ocean. they all leaned to the right and stood very tall, looking as if they would fall over at any moment. the mouth, where the river and ocean met, was giant. the water swirled and curled in all directions. you could see the water split in half, one side leading to the ocean and the other leading to the river.

ben, leda and i were the first to cross the mouth. at that time the water was not so strong and we made it across in a matter of minutes. we met the sand and laid in the shallow stream that had been created. next, the boys from maya's class, alici and dave made their way across to join us. we took turns with silly games, like running off the edge of the sand and belly flopping into the shallow water, or chasing someone, trying to land on their back as they wiggled away like a fish. i went for a walk sozinho and ended up laying in the sand pretending to have been washed ashore from a ship wreck. from the laying position you could see nothing but sand, water and palms... once you lifted your head the fantasy was wiped away by the barracas and people jet skiing. i found 3 pieces of sea glass and turned back to meet the rest of the group. ben met me half way with urgency. he said that dave and leda had almost drowned, they tried to cross the river back to the other side and the tide had become a lot stronger. leda was on the other side already but dave came back to help us across. instead of heading straight across the river i decided it would be a good idea to go back on a diagonal, so when the rip pulled us we would be back far enough so as not to get sucked in. we all took a deep breath and dove in. it was exhilarating and scary, but i knew i my heart we would be fine. the 4 of us (myself and the 3 boys) swam one stroke at a time, trying hard not to lose a stroke and be pulled closer to the mouth. we made it, in about double the time it took us to get there. out of breath and glad to be safe we fell into the sand and caught up with ourselves.

the sun was getting lower and we played as close to the mouth as possible. the sand was soft and fell away from you when you tried to stand on it. we took turns pretending to be swept away into sea before jumping out over the sand cliff and running back into the water with a flip. when the water became too string and we could feel the danger growing, we made our way back toward the river where the rest of the group was. gabriel and i built a sand arena while others played "fresco ball" aka, paddle ball. the sun was almost down and had created a beautiful streak of light in the water. everything was now nothing but a silhouette. we walked back to the car, had a bowl of ice cream and drove home... pooped.

today the house was empty, everyone was out at work or school and i was feeling restless. after trying to talk to the maids and watching a bit of the hurcules disney movie i decided to be proactive. i put on the new running shorts my mom mailed me and naiana's sneakers, created a playlist on my ipod and set out running into the 97 degree sun. thankfully there was a cool breeze, and the playlist was great. i found a dirt road next to a small river and ran along it until i got to the beach road. i ran for a bit until i saw an open slab of cement where a barraca has been but was now gone. i claimed it as my own and danced around, pretending to be aerobic. the dancing turned into yoga and the yoga turned into silent meditation in the wind of the ocean. then ke$ha came on my playlist and i danced a bit more. i ran further before turning back to little dirt road next to that river and up the hill past the church and playground by our house. a hot shower and a hot bowl of quinoa. the house is still empty but i am not longer restless.

newest update:

after my last entry i realized i needed to do something about the way i was feeling. i wrote out all the pros and cons of staying and leaving, what i would do if i stayed or left, and where either could lead me in my future. by the end of this list the answer was clear; it is time to head back to the states and restart my life there, once again.

at first i was resisting this. i had a similar feeling when i was leaving california, a feeling of defeat. but i quickly realized how different the situations are. here, i had no expectations, i came merely to see brasil and meet my family... and i did just that. in cali, it was open ended. i left saying that i wasn't coming back, implying that i was going to set up a new life there. i always knew i would come back from brasil, i just didn't know when. that defeated feeling left and i was overcome with gratitude. i have experienced so many wonderful things that i would never have seen or felt had i not made this journey. i have been on the other side of the world and have realized how close it is. i also realized that no matter where i go or for how long, i will always have me, my heart and my home.

no one can say what will come next, and to be honest... i don't really want to know. i have faith that whatever it is i am doing at this moment in time is exactly what i should be doing. i have taken one step closer to myself, and i finally know the family i always had that was a world away. i will always have them, but what i didn't realize was that i always did. something kept us apart until now, maybe one day i will understand why.

the flights are set and now i will soak in the final days. i depart from salvador on march 11th and fly into sao paulo. i will stay the night and next day until my flight at 9:45pm from sao paulo to new york. i arrive in new york at 6am on the 13th and get another flight to albany airport. it will be the longest journey of my life, but the feeling of arrival is the sweetest.

dave, leda and alici (my sister's parents and sister) have been away in massachusettes for the last 3 weeks. they get back to salvador this friday. it will be nice to have them around. dave is the explorer of the family, so i look forward to new things he will show me.

question/s for thought: what is it that makes a connection between people? where does it come from and why does it happen? why do some people pass you by while others you must stop? what does it feel like when you get this feeling, and how do you know the other is feeling the same pull?

via lactea

the lights went out.

i laid precariously on that wooden plank.

"this is it." i thought,

the faintest stars began to tremble

and my darkened mother faded away.

this is a post of pictures

here are some more pictures that were taken regarding past postings!

the beach we go to with the barraca's and unearthly terrain:

here's the family burying the dog =]

the remains of a weird looking fish that had crazy teeth and hair....

and here is a card i recently made for the family that i stayed with in itamambuca:

for the last few days... id say about 4... i have been feeling pretty down. i could blame it on pms (which they call "tpm" here, which are also my initials. i thought this was pretty funny) but i decided to sit down with myself and really think about what is going on inside my body.

after some restless walking and shifting, writing endless pages in my journal and just a couple of lonely tears, i have realized that what i am wanting is not what i have. but then, i realized that this is always the case. i have something, a life somewhere, but i become restless and think of the wonderous world that is awaiting me, so, i leave and i go to it. but, after 3 months i want out. i want what i had, which was what i didnt want.

last night i just finished reading siddhartha. it happened to tell me everything that i had figured out earlier that day. he talked of the river and how it is always moving, constantly changing, yet it always remains the same. he also told me that there is a difference between searching and finding and that you can't do both at the same time. when you are searching there is an idealistic goal in your future, but this goal most of the time does not exist because you have altered it to please your fantasies. when you are finding you are open, free, and willing to receive. you are unaware of what will come next, but the findings are limitless. there are infinite possibilities that surround us all, we just have to choose which ones we see, if any at all.

this morning i awoke, late (much like every day) feeling tired and lazy and thought "what am i going to do today?" and nothing came to mind. i realized that this is what happens on most days. of course except for the wonderful adventures that i blog about... but those don't happen every day. on the day to day, i do not do much. this has begun to stir a restless resentment for the situation which i am in. every day i crave home more and more. my old life that i so eagerly ran away from. my routines, my meals, my yoga, my mom, my mommom, my me.

so, then comes the next thought. if i do bail and fly back home to the states... what will i have? i do not want to return to saratoga springs, nor do i want to return to new york to work as a waitress.... so, what do i want? i want to go back to school, which will hopefully happen this fall, but that's a few months from now. so, in the next 6 months, what am i to do? i am constantly feeling like i am wasting time waiting for the next big thing to come along. but this is new, this only began once i graduated college. it was a feeling of "now what...." i had spent the last... whole life basically, learning things from a controlled schooling environment. homework each night, reports due, critiques, finals, field trips, you name it. now it was over... who was i supposed to report to? who was supposed to give me a task and then show me how to do it better?

that's where i'm supposed to come in eh? but what if i don't know "i", what do i do then? so my solution is to run around looking for "i". am i in LA? no... am i in NYC? no... am i in sao paulo or salvador? no... so where am i? but im right here, i think some times.

ok, if i'm already with "i", what am i supposed to do with "i". i should know self-discipline and how to follow through on tasks and how to be motivated and independent... but what if im not? what if this is only when i have to be? then who's to say when that has to be? that could be all the time or only on weekends or from the time of 3pm to 6pm on tuesdays...

confusing, i know.

so, i will sit here in my new place of residence until i can figure out who i am and what im supposed to do with that. let me know if you've figured out that secret already.

stay happy, healthy and holy

i will try as well.

p.s. i have opened up a store at etsy.com under the name: tpalmam

the link is located at the bottom of the blog page in a white box. i am selling postcards to hopefully help myself make some money and distract my restless mind. take a look!