the next question they ask me is "how long were you there?" i tell them 4 months and their head tilts slightly back as their eyebrows raise and they say "wow! 4 months? where did you stay?" i tell them i stayed in both sao paulo and salvador for 2 months each. then i get a little awkward, i begin to shift and direct my eyes elsewhere as if to tell them that i would like to change the subject. i sum it up by saying "yea, it was really great. i am so happy i went, it changed my life." and then i move on to something else. this happens for a few reasons. one, because the interaction mostly happens with acquaintances who do not know much about me to begin with so to divulge such intimate and extraordinary detail would be odd. second, it usually arises in situations of high-volume, such as peacefood or on the street. and third, the exchange is much like that of a person you slightly know on the street who asks you how you are as they keep walking, generally not expecting an answer in return. a.k.a. superficial.
yes, i have sat with a select few and really unloaded my heart onto the table about the events, the scenery, the people, the warmth, the language, the history, the me, but they were chosen in a special way. there was a glimmer in their eye of genuine interest. i knew that at no moment would they start to shift in their seat or begin to look over my shoulder at the people walking by. these very few people.
i miss brasil. with all of my heart. i miss the language and the way it moved in people's mouths. i miss the body language, the closeness. there were no personal space issues. i miss meeting new people interested in me only because i am from the US. i miss the graffiti on every cement wall the lined the streets. i miss the lush trees and the dense humidity. i miss the insects, the birds, the red dirt. i miss the smell of the clouds. i miss the endless sky. i miss being quiet. i miss being uncomfortable in almost every situation. i miss my family, even the ones unrelated to me. i miss the open time, the laziness, the ease. i miss the simplicity of living out of a bag. i miss dancing and going to parties and staying up until the next day. i miss feeling like everywhere i went i was part of it.
there are a lot of things that i wish i had done, maybe differently or more fully. i wish i had gotten to know every person a little more. i wish i had woken up early every day. i wish i had stayed with my yoga practice and not given up my lifestyle for the ease of others. i wish i had been more adventurous. i wish i had been more comfortable being alone in the cities. i wish i had really forced myself to learn the language more. i wish i had a little bit more freedom.
but wishing does not change what happened, and what i experienced was more perfect and complete than i could have ever imagined. every moment that existed there will stay with me. brasil is a part of me, forever, and i now, more than ever, i am proud to say "i am brasilian".
